150826 A feeling called frustration
I'll be expressing what am I feeling right now in this entry. To kick it off, I'll go straight to the point. I feel so damn frustrated and disappointed. It feels like I'm carrying so much load. Like I'm carrying everything or should I say "everyone". I know you'll be asking "Why not share it?" Of course I'm willing to share my load. But the question is, "Do the people whom I want to share my load willing to carry these with me?". "Of all people why them if they don't want to share it with you??" First, it's because they have to. Next is because they have earned my trust that they can do it. I know they can and they will.
Now.. I want to shout! I want to point and blame everybody! Anybody! I want to say straight right in everyone's face that I'm so damn sick of this responsibility! I don't want to carry loads anymore! But why did I chose to remain silent? Because I do care about that damn feelings! And I do care about that thing called friendship! But why does it have to be me!? And why do I have to do the carrying all the way until the end?? I'm always asking myself, "Is this Enough?", "Have I done enough?" or "Do I lack something?" You'll never understand me because you're not in my place. You don't feel the same way like I do. And To be honest? I'm so damn tired! I'm so damn exhausted! I want throw and leave this damn responsibility! I want to go back to the old days where things are where they are suppose to be. I want some parts my old life back. But because I do care about this and I do care for everyone, I still chose to continue. I chose to move forward. See?? But why do I have to feel like it's all my fault? I don't even understand! I already have given all my cards! I always give my best! Even motivating myself? I do it just to keep me reminded that I have to keep going. That I have to move forward. Now tell me, do I deserve this?? Huh?!? If I deserve this shit then I'll just accept the fact that I have to endure everything until it's all over. Well if not, then at least tell me why and initiate to take some of what am I carrying. Because It's so hard. It's so dragging. It's like I'm lying on the ground. Still alive. Barely breathing. Dragging myself and looking for anyone that will help me. Do you think I wanted any of these to happen?! No!! Why would I let this happen if in the first place If I chose to be a part of the team. I haven't said anything bad about someone. I always try to keep my smile and temper even though deep inside I want to shut the fuck out of you up. I want to turn my back away. I want to leave. I want to walk away without feeling guilty, without feeling pressured, without feeling stressed.
Now because of this fucking feelings? I have made up my mind. I'm ready to leave all these things behind. Including the responsibilities. I'm just waiting for the right people to tell me to stop. I'm just waiting for the words "Enough already. You have done so much. Thanks a lot for doing all of these. I really do appreciate it." And when that time comes, I'll be off to my own journey called life. And I'll continue to live without carrying any load, without pressure, without stress, without getting blamed, without feeling guilty, and without worrying what lies ahead.