Hi. It's been a really long while. I'm just glad that I'm back. Back here. Back to writing. I'm now doing great. Doing fine. Doing better I guess. What I want to write in the following days are the thoughts that I have in the past. (I think it's good to look back in the past sometimes. For me, the past made you the person who you are today. And I think we must be thankful for some of that "past".) So I'll label the following entries with the dates on where the thought happened in my mind. How will I do that? I made drafts of course. :D So, it can be last year or the current year. There's so many things that happened ever since I stopped writing. Yes. Good and Bad. And I think again that these things helped me build up the person I am today. And I would love to share some of these things here. Just like the way I used to do. Just like the way I share back then when I'm still my old self. :) (By the way, It's good to look back in the past sometimes. But we must move on from the past. Because that's the time growth will occur. Looking back doesn't mean you'll go back to the past and stay there. That means you just need to look back at it, reflect on what you have right now, and continue living the present. And last, Moving on is not forgetting. It's learning from the past and embracing that lesson you've learned up to the present and into the future.) :)Read more..
I want to ask why. But I'm a coward to do that. I want to know the truth. But I'm afraid to face it. I keep on holding but all of you are making my hands slip. I want to catch up. I want to keep up. But I think all of you doesn't want me to. Don't wait for me to let go. Because if I did? I won't come back anymore. I can shut people out of my life. And when I do, I consider them as strangers. Strangers that I never met. Or even exist. Don't be sorry. Because It's no one's fault. Don't bother asking. Because I won't tell anyway. I just thought that you already knew me. But I guess not. You can't blame me for thinking like this. Because trust me, I have experienced this already before I met all of you. :)
"I'm just mad. That's all. Mad."Read more..
Actually, I wrote this entry a few days ago. I just forgot to add it here. :D So here it goes..
To write is to express. To express is to feel. I'll write. Yes. As long as I know how to feel. I don't know what to say. But I'll keep on writing and telling. I don't know what to tell. I don't know what to express. Because honestly, I don't understand what's going on. Am I at the top? Or am I falling? I think I'm falling but still I keep on holding and climbing. I can't stop right now. Because I know I'm almost there! The thought of falling again? I don't give a sh*t. The thought of being judged? I don't care. I'm just being myself here. And I think this is the inner most part of myself. A part of me that's hidden to the world but known by only few. It's like knowing a single and specific star in a whole damn universe. Well at the end, all I can do is be still. Take one step at a time and hand it all to God. Why? Because he's the only one I'm sure of. He's the '1' in my 101%. I'm sure He has the best plans for me. And all that's happening to my life has a purpose. And at the end, it is for my own good. I sing "Be still my soul, Be still. Wait patiently upon the Lord. Be still my soul, Be still." :) <3Read more..
a short but not so quick entry. Today, I'm back to my Social Networking Accounts. Actually, I just want to take a quick look. But someone asked for my help so I decided to
stay go back. I came back because I realized that some important people did not give up on me. And I must not give up on them and on myself too. God didn't gave up on me. So I must not give up on Him also. I think those reasons are good enough to keep me going. I'M OKAY. A LITTLE BETTER. BUT STILL, I'M NOT BETTER THAN OKAY. :)
It's been a while since I wrote my latest entry. Well today, I deactivated my Social Networking Accounts. I'll be back soon. I just needed a little time for myself to think about things and be prepared for whatever's coming in my way. This or These, (I don't know if I'm pertaining to a single thing or not.) reason/s are unexplainable. And I think, at this point of my life, only God and I can help myself through this. I really just need a
little time to make myself better and stronger. I thought I'm already almost through with this. But it came back. Just like a snap. Now, I'm really hoping that I'll get over this situation in no time. And I know that when that time comes, I'll be better and stronger than before. :)
I'm lost. And for a reason I don't even know. I'm still here. Wandering. Seeking. Looking for answers only God can give. Can you understand me? I bet not. And you'll never understand me because you've never been there. Or should I say "here". I found myself stuck in the middle of the Past, Present, and Future. I don't know why. I don't know how it happened. It just came. Like a violent wind taking me away from who I used to be. Leading me to disturbing places which makes me feel helpless. Makes me feel useless. Makes me feel left behind. You'll never see this in me. Or either feel this. Because I can smile and laugh... A lot. I crack jokes. I motivate, encourage, help and support the people I give importance and love without having hard or hate feelings behind their backs. I always wear my biggest and brightest smile whenever I'm with them. But deep inside me? I'm lost. Waiting to be found. Waiting for somebody to hold my hands and lead me way back home. I know sooner or later this will be over. And when that time comes, I'm not the same anymore. I'll be stronger and braver but still the same person with the same heart. I don't want to live in darkness. I don't want to live in fear and oblivion. I want to be remembered. Appreciated. And never forgotten. I'm just hoping that I have made or done something special that will help you remember me. I know God has the BEST plans for me. And I know that He is always there for me. So I'll stick to "Good things come for those who wait." and "Keep Moving Forward."Read more..
Am I Alone? or Left behind? well lately I have been thinking about these two questions over and over again. I understand that in life, others might be ahead of you and others might be behind you. Well seeing my friends shape their future made me realize that "Am I matured enough to enter another world?" or "Do I already have the guts, strength, courage to conquer what's ahead of my future?" Right now? I don't know the answer to my questions. I'm still seeking. Searching for answers. Or maybe the answer is within me and God. Well in the end all I want is to be remembered and never forgotten. As always, "Life must go on. Life must keep moving forward. Learn to accept things and be contented on what's with right now. All BEST things come to those who wait."Read more..
I was just thinking about being immortal. Well... You see, If you're immortal you don't have to be afraid anymore. You can always take the risk because even if you fail you can do it again the following day. You can climb high places and jump to feel the adrenaline. You will not be afraid of dying because of starving because you won't die. You won't drown. You can travel the world. You'll be able to do anything because you won't die.
But beyond those things, immortality can't protect and save you from this one. FEELINGS. why? Because, can you watch the friends you've had walk out of your life one by one? Can you take the risk of loving someone knowing that in the end she'll gonna leave this life soon and only you will remain? Can you stand being lonely? And last but not the least. Can you watch all the people you loved and treasured the most leave this so called life and will face death one by one?Read more..
I'll be expressing what am I feeling right now in this entry. To kick it off, I'll go straight to the point. I feel so damn frustrated and disappointed. It feels like I'm carrying so much load. Like I'm carrying everything or should I say "everyone". I know you'll be asking "Why not share it?" Of course I'm willing to share my load. But the question is, "Do the people whom I want to share my load willing to carry these with me?". "Of all people why them if they don't want to share it with you??" First, it's because they have to. Next is because they have earned my trust that they can do it. I know they can and they will.
Now.. I want to shout! I want to point and blame everybody! Anybody! I want to say straight right in everyone's face that I'm so damn sick of this responsibility! I don't want to carry loads anymore! But why did I chose to remain silent? Because I do care about that damn feelings! And I do care about that thing called friendship! But why does it have to be me!? And why do I have to do the carrying all the way until the end?? I'm always asking myself, "Is this Enough?", "Have I done enough?" or "Do I lack something?" You'll never understand me because you're not in my place. You don't feel the same way like I do. And To be honest? I'm so damn tired! I'm so damn exhausted! I want throw and leave this damn responsibility! I want to go back to the old days where things are where they are suppose to be. I want some parts my old life back. But because I do care about this and I do care for everyone, I still chose to continue. I chose to move forward. See?? But why do I have to feel like it's all my fault? I don't even understand! I already have given all my cards! I always give my best! Even motivating myself? I do it just to keep me reminded that I have to keep going. That I have to move forward. Now tell me, do I deserve this?? Huh?!? If I deserve this shit then I'll just accept the fact that I have to endure everything until it's all over. Well if not, then at least tell me why and initiate to take some of what am I carrying. Because It's so hard. It's so dragging. It's like I'm lying on the ground. Still alive. Barely breathing. Dragging myself and looking for anyone that will help me. Do you think I wanted any of these to happen?! No!! Why would I let this happen if in the first place If I chose to be a part of the team. I haven't said anything bad about someone. I always try to keep my smile and temper even though deep inside I want to shut the fuck out of you up. I want to turn my back away. I want to leave. I want to walk away without feeling guilty, without feeling pressured, without feeling stressed.
Now because of this fucking feelings? I have made up my mind. I'm ready to leave all these things behind. Including the responsibilities. I'm just waiting for the right people to tell me to stop. I'm just waiting for the words "Enough already. You have done so much. Thanks a lot for doing all of these. I really do appreciate it." And when that time comes, I'll be off to my own journey called life. And I'll continue to live without carrying any load, without pressure, without stress, without getting blamed, without feeling guilty, and without worrying what lies ahead.Read more..